By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize