I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
