My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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