People in love make me want to vomit
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
smell my finger.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
