Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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