new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
