she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
