She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
