you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
