You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
