I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
