I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
