I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
