At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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