my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
