i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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