I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize