I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
