I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
