Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
