Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
