What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize