If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
