i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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