I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
