I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You ruined the universe
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
