They should really pass out barf bags in church
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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