I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
