i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
