I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
