Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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