I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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