I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The best revenge is premature balding
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
