i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
