Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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