you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
