Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
