Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
