Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think I sprained my soul last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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