new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
