Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
