He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
