I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
