oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
