I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
