i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
