Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
