i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
