As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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