I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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