Im at strip club and am horny
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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