don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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