I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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