She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
