Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
