One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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