Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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