***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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